


your best kept secret and your biggest mistake

by muse_apollo



Category: The Sinner (TV)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Relationship Study, there was no fic for them and I was sick of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:00:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23371330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muse_apollo/pseuds/muse_apollo
Summary: Nick could remember the exact moment he’d known that Jamie Burns would be the death of him. It was a Friday night, and Jamie’s roommate was out of town for the weekend. So of course, Nick was there, it had began as an attempt to study, or at least it began under the guise of one. He’d brought the liquor just in case, but really that was because he generally carried a flask on his person these days.That was college for you.
Relationships: Jamie Burns/Nick Haas
Comments: 7
Kudos: 39





	your best kept secret and your biggest mistake

**Author's Note:**

> There appears to be no fic for this show... I aim to change that...

Nick could remember the exact moment he’d known that Jamie Burns would be the death of him. It was a Friday night, and Jamie’s roommate was out of town for the weekend. So of course, Nick was there, it had began as an attempt to study, or at least it began under the guise of one. He’d brought the liquor just in case, but really that was because he generally carried a flask on his person these days.

That was college for you. 

And now, well, now they were more than a little drunk, and there was a record on the player, and Nick was laying on the floor just enjoying the feeling of being fucking numb for the first time in a long time. 

“What do you think we should do next time?” He rolled onto his side, casting his gaze in the direction of Jamie. Jamie was sitting with his face nearly pressed against the window screen, pulling steadily on a joint before blowing it out into the night air outside. He cracked his eyes back open when Nick spoke to him, as if pulled from a stupor.

“Huh?” Before Nick could reply, Jamie seemed to register what he had asked, and he shook his head. “Can we not right now?”

Nick sat up, frowning. “Why?”

“Just not tonight man.” He put the joint out on the windowsill, the paint already damaged from the years of students who’d come before them. “Tonight let’s just… I don’t know, pretend to be like everyone else for a couple hours, watch a movie or something. Tonight let’s just be college kids, and tomorrow we can go back to all the rest of it. That okay?”

Nick watched him for a long time, chewing the inside his cheek. Jamie met his gaze, waiting. His skin looked warm in the yellow light of the desk lamp, and his eyes, though a little dazed from the weed and the booze, were soft. God those fucking eyes, like pools of clear water, Nick wanted to drown himself in them. 

“Okay.” He said after the silence had stretched too long. 

Jamie’s expression into a grin, and something flipped inside of Nick’ chest. He pushed himself a bit unsteadily off the bed. Nick watched him approach curiously. “Get up.”

“Why?”

“Come on, I always do what you tell me to do. Just humour me.” He held out a hand. 

“Alright.” Nick took it, and Jamie pulled him to his feet. Nick stumbled just a bit, he was drunker than he’d thought, he would have fallen into Jamie’s chest, but a hand rested on his shoulder, catching him.

“You okay?” There was laughter at the corners of his eyes, and Nick wanted to kiss him. It didn’t surprise him that he did, Jamie was attractive, in that unnerving, too perfect sort of way. Like a model, or a marble statue; beautiful but untouchable. Certainly too pretty to go around kissing people like Nick.

“Fine. Just stood up too fast.” 

“Good, I can’t have you passing out on me.” A pause, and then Jamie stepped back just a little. “I love this song.” He started to move, swaying, very far off rhythm, to the record that was playing.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” Jamie did laugh at him then. “I’m dancing.”

“Not well.”

“Shut up.” Jamie shoved at his chest. “You could benefit from loosening up just a bit. And anyway, like I said, I always do what you want, so just shut up, and dance with me like a couple of drunk college kids, okay?”

Nick didn’t think he could have said no even if he wanted to, with the way that Jamie was looking at him right then. So he humoured him, and it was stupid, really fucking stupid to be honest, both of them a little drunk and a little wobbly, and both with so little rhythm to their movements. And they were standing close, and Jamie was smiling at him, and Jamie’s heart was pounding like a drum in his chest. And then abruptly, without warning, Jamie ducked, jabbing an elbow into Nick’s ribs. It was playful, but still hard enough to sting.

“Hey!” Nick frowned at him. “I thought you didn’t want to play that game tonight.”

Jamie shoved him in the chest, still beaming, this time hard enough to send Nick stumbling backwards just a bit. “Come on.” He held out his hand, beckoning.

Nick smiled, then lunged at him. They fell into it quickly after that, a messy, hapless kind of sparring, uncoordinated both due to drunkenness and the fact that neither man knew what he was doing. More than once they hit each other harder than was playful. There would be bruises, then again, there always were with their games. Things got messier the more into it they got, until Jamie’s elbow caught Nick in the jaw, hard enough that his teeth grazed the inside of his cheek and he tasted blood. 

Jamie hesitated then, seeming concerned he may have gone too far, and Nick used the hesitation as an opportunity, lunging forwards, he caught Jamie around the waist. Jamie yelped in surprise as they both went sprawling to the floor in a heap. They wrestled for a moment before Nick came out on top, pinning Jamie’s wrists above his head, grinning down at him. “Got you that time.”

“Yeah.” Jamie laughed, more than a little breathless. “Looks like you did.”

The record had long since come to its end, and Nick was painfully aware of the buzzing and crackling of dead air on the needle, and the sound of both of their breathing as they finally caught their breath.

And Jamie was looking at him with those unnerving fucking eyes of his, and Nick wanted to kiss him so fucking badly. And then suddenly, for the third time that evening, Jamie surprised him, pressing up against Nick’s grip and crashing their lips together. 

It was messy, and for a moment, Nick was so caught off guard that he forgot he was supposed to kiss back. And then he did, slowly, releasing his hands from Jamie’s wrists in order to prop himself up on his elbows. 

Jamie’s arm wrapped around the back of Nick’s neck, tangling into his hair, pulling him closer. Kissing Jamie was so much more than Nick had thought it would be. Kissing Jamie fucking  _ felt _ like something, warmth pooling in his chest, heart racing, fucking  _ something _ . 

But they were drunk, both of them, and Nick didn’t want that to be what this was, he couldn’t have that be all this was. So he pulled back, even though he didn’t want to.

“Shit, sorry man.” Jamie said when they’d broke apart. “I hope that wasn’t weird.” 

“It’s fine, I just…” He sat back, rolling off of Jamie to sit beside him instead. “We shouldn’t do this right now. I don’t want this to be…. We’re drunk.” 

“Yeah. Okay.” Jamie looked a little confused, but accepted it well enough.

So he pulled back, and the two of them sat side-by-side of the floor, finishing the bottle and pretending like nothing happened. 

“It’s late.” Jamie said when they were finished. “You can crash here if you want, better than walking back across campus to your dorm in the dark.” 

Nick paused. “Yeah, okay. Thanks man.”

“Pretty sure my roommate wouldn’t like you sleeping in his bed, but uhh… we could squeeze, if you’re alright with that.”

Nick hesitated for a moment and then relented. “Alright.”

They settled close together in the twin bed, bodies brushing against each other in the dark, both dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and some boxers. It didn’t take Jamie long to fall asleep, his breathing steadying in the dark. Nick lay awake in the dark for a long time after, listening to the sound of Jamie’s breathing, and thinking about how well and truly fucked he was. 

*****

They did talk about it after, however brief. Jamie had laughed it off as a drunk mistake, apologized. “I hope things aren’t weird now.”

“Of course not.” Nick had replied, because weird wasn’t the right word for it.

They didn’t talk about it again. It hung in the air between them, unspoken. 

And then Jamie was gone, and then they didn’t talk about anything ever again.

Eighteen Years Later

Now they sit across from each other in the hotel bar, and Jamie fidgets with his drink -his first of the night-. This is the third time they’ve met up like this, and tonight Jamie’s acting even stranger than usual. Tonight he can’t seem to sit still, shifting in his seat, not meeting Nick’s eye.

“What’s wrong with you today?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“You’re not, there’s something bothering you, I can see it.” 

Jamie still won’t look at him, his hand absently tapping on the surface of the table. 

Nick plants a hand on Jamie’s wrist, firm enough to still the movement. “ _ Jamie _ .” The other man’s gaze finally flicks up to meet his, eyes wide, almost skittish. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

Jamie takes a deep breath, running a hand, the one that isn’t trapped under Nick’s, over his face. “Okay so… I haven’t been completely honest with you.” 

“Oh?”

“I um… You remember that night in my dorm, when we were drunk and we- when I-”

“Yeah, I fuckin’ remember it. No shit I remember it.” Nick bristles just a little. “What’s your point?”

“After… when we talked about it. I lied to you.”

Nick freezes, his hand tightens on Jamie’s wrist just a little. “You’re gonna need to clarify.” He hates the way his voice catches in his throat when he says it.

“I said-”

“I remember what you said, what part was the lie?”

“That it didn’t mean anything, that it was just a drunk mistake.”

Nick finally releases the breath he’s been holding. “Okay.” He pauses, taking a sip of his water. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“I felt like I should be honest.”

“Does this have anything to do with why you called me?”

“I-” Jamie takes another sip of his drink, “I told you why I called you.”

“You told me you’re miserable.” A long pause, Nick cocks his head to one side. “Tell me something.”

“What?”

“Do you regret it? Lying to me, I mean.”

Jamie pauses, seeming to consider his next words carefully. “I have a  _ life _ now, Nick. A good job, a wife, a b-” he cuts himself off abruptly.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s not important.”

Nick lets it go, it’s easier that way. “You never answered my question.”

“What do you want me to say?"

“Its a yes or no question, Jamie.” His grip on the other man’s wrist tightens just a bit. “Do you regret it?”

Jamie takes a deep breath, then he speaks. “Sometimes.”

They lock eyes for a long moment, neither man quite sure what comes next. “How about now?”

Jamie says nothing.

“Come on, man, you at least owe me this much. You at least owe me a fucking answer.” 

“Then yeah, okay, I fucking regret it. But there’s nothing I can do about that now is there?”

Nick finally breaks the contact between them, shoving his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. “I have an idea.” 

Jamie looks nervous at that.

“Relax, you’ll like this.” He digs in his pocket, pulling out a quarter, placing it on the centre of the table. “Just a game.”

“This isn’t something to play games with, Nick.”

Nick smiles at him then. “The risk is the point isn’t it? Isn’t that why you called me?”

“What’s the game?”

“Heads or tails?"

“Rules  _ first _ .”

“Alright.” He sits back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. “Fifty-fifty chance. You win, you go home to your wife and all of this, whatever the fuck this is, is _over_.”

“And if you win?”

“If I win, you come upstairs with me to my room, and we finish what we fucking started all those years ago.” 

“I need another drink.”

“That’s off the table. If you agree to this, I want you sober.”

“That’s a big if.”

“What’s your answer?”

Jamie clenches his jaw. “Heads.”

Nick laughs at that. “Alright. You wanna flip it, or should I?”

“You do it.”

Nick picks up the coin from where it lays in the centre of the table, placing it carefully on his thumb. He flicks it up into the air. It seems to fall in slow motion, the ringing of the metal filling the air between them. Both of them watch it fall, Nick catching it in his fist before pressing it flat on the back of his other hand. He keeps it covered a moment longer than is strictly necessary, heart in his throat. Then he reveals it to both of them.

“Well would you look at that?”

_ Tails _ .

The weight of what it means is not lost on either man, each staring at the coin in silence for a moment before they lock eyes. 

“Okay.” Jamie says.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” 

The ride up in the elevator is silent. Jamie is stiff where he stands beside Nick, his expression stoic. It makes sense of course, given the situation. Still, the tension rubs Nick the wrong way.  By the time they reach Nick’s room, the tension between them is thick enough to be cut with a knife. Jamie watches Nick as he shuts the door, locking it behind them. Jamie continues to watch Nick as he kicks off his shoes, shedding his leather jacket and draping it over the back of the chair.

Nick approaches him, moving slowly, there’s something cornered about Jamie’s expression, and Nick doesn’t want to startle him. He stops about six inches away, their gazes locked. “What do you want?”

“I-” He trails off again, always waiting for Nick to fill in the blanks for him. Some things never change.

“Come on, you must’ve thought about it.” A pause, sentence punctuated by a sly smile. “Or would you rather I take the lead on this one?”

His silence, coupled with a swallow and a slight nod of his head, is answer enough in itself. Nick steps closer, one hand coming up to cup Jamie’s cheek. “How’s this to start?” He brings their lips together in a slow kiss. The change is immediate, as soon as their lips meet, Jamie’s hands come up to hold the sides of Nick’s face, pulling him closer. Nick hums in approval, sliding his tongue along the seam of Jamie’s lips, deepening the kiss. 

He feels as if he’s been holding his breath too long, and suddenly is able to breathe again, relief and desperation waging a war in his chest. Kissing Jamie quells the ache that has sat in the pit of his chest since they’d parted, all the while making that very ache more apparent. They cling to each other, Jamie’s hands still holding his face, Nick’s own clutching at Jamie’s sweater, keeping him close, just feeling the warmth of him.

He pushes the sweater off Jamie’s shoulders, letting it fall to the carpeted hotel floor before moving on to the tie around Jamie’s neck. That too falls away quickly, all while they stay kissing, stay as close as they can without blending into one being. 

Finally Nick breaks the kiss, his hands going to the buttons of Jamie’s shirt, ducking his head to kiss at the side of the other man’s neck, tasting his skin. 

“ _ Nick _ .” Jamie warns, a hand tangling in the short hairs on the back of his head.

“Don’t worry.” Nick murmurs against his skin. “I’m not gonna leave any marks for your wife to see.”

“Don’t.”

He could admit he’d been a little vindictive, but he couldn’t help but feeling bitter. He finishes unbuttoning Jamie’s shirt and steps back a bit, his gaze sweeping over the expanse of the other man’s chest. He trails his hands along the newly exposed skin, a slow exploration, down across Jamie’s chest, over the sides of his ribs, sliding down the line of his stomach. He pauses when he reaches Jamie’s waistband, pausing to meet the other man’s gaze again, his lips twisting in a smile as he starts undoing his belt. 

Jamie kisses him again, teeth sinking into his lower lip, hands fisting in the fabric of Nick’s sweater, clinging to him. Nick kisses him back for a moment, then presses a hand to Jamie’s chest, pushing him gently backwards. Jamie frowns at him for a moment, but Nick just smiles wider. Then he sinks to his knees.

Jamie looks down at him, his mouth hanging open just slightly, pupils blown wide, one hand coming almost tentatively to rest in Nick’s hair.

It doesn’t take long for him to take Jamie out, stroking his length a few times before taking him into his mouth. Jamie gasps when he does, the hand in Nick’s hair tightening just a bit. Nick bobs his head slowly, looking up to meet Jamie’s gaze as he takes him all the way to the back of his throat.

“Fuck.” Jamie gasps. “ _ Nick _ .” The name falls from his lips like a prayer, sending a shiver down Nick’s spine. Nick speeds up just a bit, his nails digging into Jamie’s thighs where he clings to him. The hand in his hair tugs harder, another moan falling from Jamie’s lips. 

After about two minutes, Nick pulls back, climbing back to his feet. They kiss again, slow and deep, Jamie tearing at Nick’s sweater in desperation. Nick chuckles against his mouth. “Relax.” He steps back, pulling the sweater off his head, then he tosses it to the floor. Jamie lunges in to kiss him again, but Nick catches him by the throat. 

Jamie freezes abruptly, his tongue darting out to wet his lips, breath catching just a bit. He swallows, and Nick can feel the bob of his Adam’s apple against his palm, the quickening of his pulse

He leans in then, whispering close to Jamie’s ear. “I want to fuck you. Is that alright?” 

Jamie inhales sharply. “Yes.” 

Nick smiles just a bit. “Have you done this before?”

Jamie nods. “There were a few years… before Leela…”

“Alright.” A grin. “Go sit on the bed.”

Jamie does as he’s told, walking backwards, as if he was afraid to take his eyes off of Nick. Nick watches him move, watches the way his body shifts, fully naked like that. He really is too fucking gorgeous.

Nick undoes his own belt, dropping his pants and boxers to the ground before approaching. He pushes a hand against Jamie’s chest, pressing him so that he lays back on the bed. Nick crawls up over him, hovering above him on all fours before leaning to bring their lips together again. He kisses him slowly, rolling their hips together, Jamie groaning against his lips.

He knows he’s drawing this out, making it last as long as he can, but he can't help himself. He’s fucking waited long enough for this.

When they break apart, Nick shifts, reaching for the bedside table drawer. Yes, he’d picked up some lube, at the time it had been wishful thinking, but now he was fucking glad he had. He slicks up to fingers, reaching down, slipping one into Jamie. Jamie gasps, his breath coming hot against Nick’s lips, eyelids fluttering just a bit. 

“That feel good?” Nick murmurs against his ear, crooking the finger inside of him.

“Fuck.” Jamie rocks back into his hand. “Yeah.”

“Good.” Nick purrs against his ear before slipping another finger inside.

Jamie gasps again, one hand coming up to grip the back of Nick’s neck, pulling him down into an open-mouthed kiss. They stay like that, kissing slowly as Nick opens Jamie up with his fingers, until finally Jamie tugs at his hair, forcing him to break the kiss. “I’m ready.” He pants against Nick’s mouth.

Nick smiles at that. “Alright.” He grabs the condom off the bedside table, tearing it open with his teeth. His hands shake a bit more than he would have liked as he slips it on, lining himself up with Jamie’s entrance.

Nick presses in then, achingly slow, giving both of them time to adjust as he slips as deep as he can. Jamie groans, his nails digging into Nick’s shoulders, head falling back against the pillow, exposing the length of his throat.  Nick can’t help himself but wrap a hand around Jamie’s neck, squeezing just a bit. Jamie meets his gaze, his tongue darting out to wet his lips before he nods just slightly. Nick tightens his grip, pulling his hips back before thrusting back in, both men moaning in tandem.

He fucks Jamie slowly after that, squeezing his throat and releasing it periodically, allowing him to catch his breath before choking him again. It’s a slow process, tender, kissing and touching, pulling one another closer as their hips rock together, Nick wrapping one hand around Jamie’s cock, jerking him in time with each thrust of their hips.

Jamie comes first, his head slamming back against the pillow, Nick’s name falling from his lips. A few more thrusts and he too is coming. They lay together for a long time after, catching their breath before Nick finally rolls off, slipping the condom off and tossing it away.

When he turns back, Jamie is still laying on his back, staring at the ceiling a deep furrow between his brows. He isn’t entirely sure where they went from here, but his body aches to hold Jamie. Still he holds back, certain that won’t be acceptable. Instead he merely lays on his side, watching the myriad of emotions that flicker across Jamie’s face before he settles on a blank expression. 

“So?”

“Huh?”

“Did it live up to your expectations?”

Jamie finally looks at him, pressing his lips together for a long moment before sitting up, breaking their gaze again. “I should go.”

“That’s it then?”

“Why? Were you hoping for something more?” 

“I guess not.” Nick sits up, watching as Jamie collects his clothes from the floor, pulling them back on. “So now what? Now you crawl back to your wife? Slip back into bed with her and act like nothing ever happened?”

“Shut up.”

“Does she make you feel like one of them?” Nick scoffs. “You’re not, you know. _We’re_ not.”

_ “Nick.” _

“What? You don’t want me to be honest with you all the sudden?”

Jamie turns to face him, still buttoning his shirt. “I’m leaving.”

“Fine.” Nick shrugs. “I’ll see you Thursday.”

Jamie says nothing, finishes dressing and walks out the door. Nick lays on the bed, listening to the receding noise of Jamie’s footsteps. When he can’t hear them anymore, he sits up, driving his fist into the wall hard enough to bust through the drywall. He’ll have to pay to have that fixed. He doesn’t care.

They see each other only twice more after that, and the second time, as Nick lays bleeding out, numb from shock and staring into Jamie’s eyes, he realizes he’d been right all along. Jamie Burns had been the fucking death of him after all. He smiles, gaze sweeping over Jamie’s face in the moonlight, knowing it will be the last thing he ever will. And then, just like that, Nick never sees anything again.


End file.
